Special Tactics
by Theoretician
Summary: Ever wanted to bug Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide or Optimus Prime? Now you can!   A little stupid. Actually, a lot stupid. But it makes me giggle...maybe it'll do the same for you.
1. Bumblebee

** Title: **Special Tactics

** Author: **Mademoiselle Juko Pax-Prime

** Rating: **PG

** Summary: **Ever wanted to bug Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide or Optimus Prime? Now you can!

** Content/Warnings: **Attitude.

** Feedback: **Makes me happy and possibly better.

** Spoilers: **None, so far as I know.

** Disclaimer: **I do not and never will own Transformers. This was made purely for fun.

**Phase One: Bumblebee**

Make it so that when he tries to speak using his radio, the only song that will play is "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne.

Duct tape his hands together, behind his back. Or, better yet, weld them.

Tell him Sam is seeing another Camaro.

Stuff his gun with chocolate pudding.

Lock him in a small room with Mudflap and Skids.

Force him to watch Teletubbies.

When he's in Camaro form, weld every opening shut, then tell him that Sam is being attacked by Decepticons.

When he's in Camaro form, lock a skunk inside of him. (This works for almost all the 'bots.)

Weld his hands to his aft. (This also works for all the 'bots.)

Cover him in rhinestones.

Put him up on eBay as a used car.

Repaint him so that he's covered in zombies.

Put a bumper sticker that says "#1 Dad" on his bumper when he's in Camaro form.


	2. Ratchet

** Title: **Special Tactics

** Author: **Mademoiselle Juko Pax-Prime

** Rating: **PG

** Summary: **Ever wanted to bug Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide or Optimus Prime? Now you can!

** Content/Warnings: **Attitude.

** Feedback: **Makes me happy and possibly better.

** Spoilers: **None, so far as I know.

** Disclaimer: **I do not and never will own Transformers. This was made purely for fun.

**Phase Two: Ratchet**

Replace all his tools with plastic toy tools.

Force him to listen to Justin Bieber.

Tell him Optimus Prime has AIDS.

Call him "crotchety old man" instead of Ratchet.

Weld the twins to his legs.

When he's in Hummer form, shove a potato in his tailpipe.

Walk up to him and say "Optimus is getting...THOSE feelings again." Then shudder and walk away.

Call him a creeper.

Make people think that he's a real ambulance, and have them call him when they need medical help.

Cover all his tools in oil, then drop them in a tank of petroleum.

Paint "ambyoolinse" on his hood when he's in Hummer form.

Look him up and down, then snicker and walk away. Refuse to tell him what you were laughing at.

Stare at him with a look of horror. When he asks you what's wrong, scream and run.


	3. Ironhide

** Title: **Special Tactics

** Author: **Mademoiselle Juko Pax-Prime

** Rating: **PG

** Summary: **Ever wanted to bug Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide or Optimus Prime? Now you can!

** Content/Warnings: **Attitude.

** Feedback: **Makes me happy and possibly better.

** Spoilers: **None, so far as I know.

** Disclaimer: **I do not and never will own Transformers. This was made purely for fun.

**Phase Three: Ironhide**

Stuff his cannons with cotton, honey, and glue.

Lock him in a room with Wheelie.

Force him to listen to "Friday" by Rebecca Black at top volume.

Paint him pink with purple unicorns and yellow happy faces.

Follow him around with a pair of speakers, and when he starts to speak, blast "Evacuate The Dancefloor" by Cascada really loud.

Make him watch Jersey Shore.

Call him "punk" instead of Ironhide.

"Fix" him so that whenever Optimus says something to him, he starts dancing salsa.

When he's in truck form, wash him with bacon grease.

Make it so that he has the overwhelming desire to waltz with Bumblebee.

Re-wire his vocal processors so that when he speaks, he speaks in a really squeaky Mickey-Mouse-on-helium voice.

Ask him when he's going to confess his love to Optimus Prime.

Weld his hands to his hips, then make it so that when he walks, he struts.

Stick a bumper sticker that says "#1 Mom" on his bumper when he's in truck form.


	4. Optimus Prime

** Title: **Special Tactics

** Author: **Mademoiselle Juko Pax-Prime

** Rating: **PG

** Summary: **Ever wanted to bug Bumblebee, Ratchet, Ironhide or Optimus Prime? Now you can!

** Content/Warnings: **Attitude.

** Feedback: **Makes me happy and possibly better.

** Spoilers: **None, so far as I know.

** Disclaimer: **I do not and never will own Transformers. This was made purely for fun.

**Final Phase: Optimus Prime**

Enter him in a car show.

Replace his trailer with a trailer filled with cows.

When he's in truck form, deflate all his tires.

Make him listen to Lady Gaga at top volume. (Of course, be sure you are wearing ear plugs. And that you have plenty of life insurance.)

Ask him when the baby's due. Walk away without waiting for an answer.

Tell him he's really a patient in a psychiatric hospital, and that he's created this entire fantasy world to escape from the fact that he killed his wife. Then smile all creepy, pat his shoulder (or whatever part of him you can reach) sympathetically and walk away.

Put a Tinkerbell decal in his window when he's in truck form.

Tell him that Ironhide wants him. Bad. Really, really bad. Then giggle and skip away.

Cover him in rhinestones, and use one color to spell out "I luv Ironhide" on his chest.

"Fix" him so that he simply can't stop singing "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry.

When he's in truck form, wrap him in Saran Wrap.

Force him to watch Family Guy and/or The Wonder Pets.

Whine about anything you can think of at him, non-stop.


End file.
